I don't know what it is, but I feel like a failure, a social outcast, and socially awkward. It feels so uncomfortable.. I just want out. It really feels like I have nowhere to turn, no way to escape it. It's so heavy on me right now. I know it'll fade tomorrow.. but it's just so uncomfortable. God help me.  

A new opportunity awaits in the wings, hide me from failure, deliver me from discomfort. Anything but feeling like this. A slave to my own fear, a hostage to my comfort zone, it's impossible to break loose. Forget thinking straight, or interacting, or being normal for today and the hours leading up to the task. My mind, body, and soul are dedicated to this one minimalistic event in my life, yet I can't provide a detour of relief. There are a couple hours left to go.

ps. I'd love to let you know of this handicap.

Party in A-town with boyfriend and friends.. he's not met. Be with me, please. 

I read in my horoscope a few days ago, that things will come and go and that the best way to release the tensions was to write. So here it goes..

It's been around two weeks we've been a couple, and I've not for a second felt anything but happiness and comfort. I can be me around you, we make each other laugh - but as of right now, 12:23am - just coming in from a night out with you and your friends, my new friends. And I feel afraid and uneasy. Whether it's a quirk of the illness or something deeper, I feel it vividly. The incredible discomfort involved with breaking up haunts my thoughts, while my conscious searches for a reason. I know there's no reason for a split, but perhaps there's something that needs to be fixed, slowed down. We've wasted no time getting close.. physically mostly, and maybe that's why there's hesitation in my nature currently. Are we getting too close as people, and subconsciously I'm straying from any potential harm? "Does he only want me for the fooling around?". Well that's a typical thought to cross my mind in times like this, sure - destroy yourself, Sierra. Because that's what will make you feel better. I wish I could just see things for what they were instead of over analyzing them. Why is it so hard for me to accept a good thing in my life? Why does my brain lead me astray from any comfort whatsoever? Do I feel undeserving... why is that?

I can feel the relief of comfort slipping back into my bones. I can feel the anxiety fading, I can feel optimism creeping into my body and soul. Everything will be alright.
I believe in myself and God. He would never leave one astray.

I don't understand how something so great, could suddenly feel so heart wrenching.
A good opportunity waltzes in to my life, assuming the form of a gentle loving new boyfriend, and within hours of having him - I feel anticipation and doubt.

I need to grasp the trusting ability, learn to let God lead me. Learn to believe in others, and myself. Learn to live happily and freely - unguarded. It's not impossible, not unthinkable.

Companianate relationships that Wojtis droned on about, the relationship that's open and fulfilling. One without jealousy or constant grief - it's rough to live with those feelings constantly. I know I can pull through, without a doubt.

God help me.

there is just too little time. 

Horton's hired me.
Sister's away for 4 weeks.
I'm bringing money.
I have some new clothes.
I'm fairly stable.
Art inspires me.
Photography makes me happy.
I've re-found my love in music.

.. I was about to list the things in my life that I'm unhappy about, but I decided to leave this post positive.

What the hell?

When the sun goes down
and the lights turn off
who will hold me?
who will hold me together?

for night holds my darkest hours
and I need, I need your light.
somebody, anybody
just to last forever

it grips me close and coldly
and It's grasp I can't escape.
sucks the life right out of me
to live, it's now or never

I'm in love with photography right now, and my nipples hurt. I'd love a willing model or two, and I'd love the adobe photoshop torrents to work for me. I would also like to fast-forward to 9am Wednesday, so I can be informed of my employee status. I'd love to crack off a blog that doesn't come off as jumbled and plotless.

While I may not have had the attention and care of my extended family when I needed it most, I've got it now. She's always had it rough I guess, just as I've had internal battles that slowed me down tremendously. She's always had the attention I've only really felt in the past few years. But - that shouldn't break me. Maybe it's why I'm as strong as I am today. One must learn the values of life, love, family, and success.

It'd be a lie to say that in my subconscious, I don't wish her to fail this battle. It'd be ridiculous to deny the immaculate selfishness in that. But I just want them to see that although I may not be a star ringette player or beautiful, I'm still a great person. I'm reassured they know this, but it hurts to hear praise of the girl that disappears for a day, and returns loaded with whatever she can get her hands on. I feel for her, I love her.

I think my grandparents have realized the quality of person I am today. It breaks my heart when I notice how my grandfather talks to me more then he used too, as if he .. realizes he may not be around as long as I'd hope. It tears me apart. I can feel that they fear of losing her, as much as my subconscious wishes her to fail, I want her to come back, come back to them. I hate to see them hurt.

I don't know why, but everything appears so surreal right now. I'm crying at the mere thought of people dying, leaving me.


I don't know what I really want. I don't know what's bothering me. I don't know anything right now.