I need a pick me up. Exams are totally getting to me right now, and I need a new piece of ass (boyfriend). Well I don't need per say - but I'd like to cuddle. I just downloaded retard-o-tron video mixtape, and it looks so promising..

To do:

Science - review book + read over 50k sheets.
Music - practise pieces + sight reading.
Engrish - review book
French - fucking hefty ass review book.
            - practise for oral (exam).



beeeeewbz.

I feel so great this afternoon. The morning was a little shaky, but come second period and my aceing part 2 of my music exam, I was absolutely floating.

Why my day was so fucking great:

1. I consider today to be another crucial step in my moving on. Every few days, I realize something positive and it propels me forward. I realized that if he really were as great as I thought, he'd fight through this with me. Really, that should've been a clear indicator right off the bat. I mean - if you really love someone, you stick to it and see it through. No brainger, right?

2. It's oral exam day in French class, not for me of course - but for the 3 saps that chose to do their exam this week instead of next week. "We got way to carried away yesterday, and I gave you way to much time to think about your answers... so I'm going to have to keep it to a 10 minute time limit." 10 minutes my ass, Joe got half an hour, and by then we were anything but focused. You just cannot leave a group of gifted kids alone un-supervised. As a result, we had loud conversations about everything from squirting to Joe's gender confusion to speaking to dolphins, back to Joe's gender confusion and two moms.

3. I get grilled cheese + bacon for dinner.

4. I've pretty much completed all assignments that need to be handed in..

5. Ryan's a cutie.

6. I'm making a shitload of new friends.

7. I can now talk to dolphins.

Feeling down today, I had my head down and my music on during the morning commute to school via public transportation. A teacher from my school, who evidently takes the same bus as me, put a hand on my shoulder and said 'Good Morning', pleasantly. I remembered how odd I thought this man in general, and I remembered everyone elses negative impressions of him, and I felt bad. Here is that same person whom everyone assumes to be a 'student raper', comforting me - one of the 'everyone' that thought him to be loopy. I thought even deeper on this and realized that in general.. I need to lighten up. Stop being so judgemental, stop being so picky, and stop being such a bitch. Honestly, it isn't in the norm to show sympathy for a stranger - to act as some sort of positive aspect in their day no matter how little that impact is. And there are few people that would go the length to simply place a hand on a shoulder and say something friendly. I want to be that person that adds something positive to another person's day, because no one wants to feel alone.

"... I realized that by holding on to the memories, the trinkets, the past - I was inevitably holding onto the pain."


So we live, we learn, we love - and we learn a hell of a lot more after. I need to face the fact that my fear of being alone is irrational and needn't be a worry of mine. A believer and preacher of "there is someone for everyone", I should take my own advice. At times - it's so beyond comprehension that anyone could love me, want to be with me, love my flaws, want to stick with me, want to support me - want to have me. But it's thoughts like these that hold us back. I've come to a realization that I'm not the only one to have these fears, these feelings, these insecurities. In fact I'm one of millions of women that deal with these things daily. The media has raped the minds of women, especially young girls, into believing that the only way to feel as if one has self-worth is to be with a man. That to justifiy our existances, we must have that second factor. That our happiness depends on it. And that's simply just not it.

I awoke this morning, to an empty house. Somewhat confused I watched TV and waited for someone to come home to keep me company, then I remembered that my dad and sister are opening up the trailer, and my mom works till beyond dinner hours tonight.
Enlightened, I remembered the monstrous list of final ISU's I have due in the last week of school, which inevitably is  this week. 

I am now bitter, bored,  procrastinating and slightly depressed.  This weekend is going to be balls.

Mmmm,

Almost at full strength again. I think I've learned in this one, that at this age it's fruitless to look for love. Sure, it's out there - just not in my age bracket. But does that mean I lower my standards and subject myself to flings and heavy flirting? I'd say personally, no. There's a time for everyone and mine isn't now. I can deal with that. But for as for now, (by 'now' I mean tomorrow night) I'm going to deck myself in sexy 80s gear and dance till the end tomorrow. Yeah, Casey's going - but being the new strong woman I tell myself I am, "I don't care".


Lol - bring on the sexual dancing.

:D


love always.

I'm not impossible, he just wasn't ready.
I'm not useless, he just didn't find what makes me gold.
I'm not weak, just temporarily broken.
I'm not ugly, he was just to pretentious.
I'm not missing out because he is.
I'm not callous, he just took my heart for a little while.
I'm not bitter, just lost and confused.
I'm not too loving, he just couldn't accept it.
I'm not emotional, he just had a lack of it.
I'm not too passionate, he just got scared.
I'm not intense, I just feel a lot.

I will not let this paralyze me, and I will never let him win.
I won't crawl back after he's beat me away.
I will try with every fiber to never want him again.
I will understand there is more to life, and there is a man
that will love me for my flaws, perfections, and emotions.
No one deserves anything less, not even me.

I awoke this morning, with a sense of peace and hope. I wasn't afraid of anything and I didn't feel like hiding away. I will set out to accomplish everything I feared about this weekend. I will work on myself, and I will succeed.

I hate that I get so ridiculously depressed before my period, and I hate that it interferes with my life. I hate being victim to it, and I hate that it acts as a gravitational pull from anything outside my comfort zone. I hate that i'm afraid of so many things, and that I lack the courage to even try conquering these fears. I hate that I love to easily and that I never seem to be able to just be happy and go with the flow. I hate that I'm difficult and sensitive. I hate that I require attention and love in return. I hate that I can never accept things as they are, and that there always must be something wrong. I hate my low self-esteem. I hate that I can't love myself. I hate that I seem selfish. I hate that I make mistakes, I hate my grades. I hate my body, and I wish I could learn to love it. I hate my lack of will power and strength. I hate that I can't help more people. I hate that I take things to personally, and I'm always thinking. I hate that i'm a pessimist and I only get short spurts of positivity. I hate the empty feeling I get when he isn't focusing all his attention on me, I hate that that bothers me. I hate how I can never believe anything nice he says to me. I hate how I'm crying as I type this. I hate that I'm stuck 20 minutes from my friends and social life and that I don't have the freedom I once did. I hate that I'm being selfish about the new house and location. I hate that my parents believe i'm me-oriented, even if it's true. I hate that any help my parents can offer to me, only make me hate myself further. I hate how this illness, or whatever it is - holds me prisoner. Most of all, I hate how much I hate about myself.