This is hard - it really is. It feels like I'm teaching myself how to live all over again. So easily loving and trusting I abandon previous commitments so easily and I bend over backwards to have this connection to another human being, to have him hold me and console me, support me. I believe that's what I miss, not the individual.

I went to my trailer this weekend up north, and all the while I thought of how much better things I was doing and experiencing would be so much better if he was there to do them with me. It makes me sick how emotionally dependant I was and still am on him, it's like weening a fucking cat off of its mothers tit. For lack of better example of course. I feel like a broken record for going over this shit time after time, but I'm just a ball of stress right now. I need to find something to get me out of the house, with my entire friends list about half an hour west - they're fairly remote. A job - something productive, something to keep my mind off of things. And of course, all the while I am thinking this - my subconscious is viewing it as an 'opportunity to meet a lover', rather then a job to better myself and raise funds for my future. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it normal for people to be so dependant on the existence of another? I don't believe so.

I think tomorrow I'll relax, watch the TV shows I recorded, mess around with fruityloops, and work up the courage to drop off some resumes. As I typed that, my mind wandered to how my 'less than' supportive father says that I won't get a job because I've left it too late, my fears have held me back too long. But really, should that matter? I mean being an independent, a young woman - I shouldn't need positive affirmations all the time.

But the sad part is, I do. I need it. I need to know people don't view me as badly as I view myself.

I'm carrying on sarcastic conversations with friends right now, and I must be coming off as a total bitch. I think I'll cut this night short - leave the compy on so my movie will finish downloading, and wake up with a fresh positive attitude.

So, today was the last official school day before exams - and I was able to heal myself for today and dealing with Casey. To be honest, I thought he'd skip out on today and just stay the fuck home. He didn't.

Lunch rolled around and Trisha and I went to the library to study. The crew + Casey walks in.. great. Joe walks over to sit down with us.. and completely unexpectedly, Casey walks over. I refuse to acknolwedge him and he reaches out to touch my french textbook and pull it away, only I slammed my hand down and pulled it away, not even looking at him. I ignore his presence for the duration of his stay until he gets the 'picture' and leaves.

This.. took every ounce of energy from me. He's been such a jerk lately, and the last day - the last day I'll see him for probably a long time he's nice. I can't be treated like a rag doll, my subconscious knew it too, and I acted. I would have loved to slide him the book willingly and have him engage in conversation with me, I would have loved him to come to my locker like old times and converse before going home.. I'd love to have him back. But that's silly and self-destructive of me to think that way. I thought today that having this be the last day I'd have to see him would be relief. Instead, I ache remorselessly over what could have been.

'the fuck do I do?
</3

Well, I hope you enjoy your years in university you pretentious, spoiled rotten ass. I sincerely wish your casual sex to be fantastic and the trip to your doctor even better, when you hear you have an elongated list of incurable STDs. I hope your 'lady', assuming she's decent enough to be considered one - gets impregnated by you. You're conscious will hold you prisoner and you'll be forced to drop out of university to provide for your new trailer-trash family. I hope your dreams and aspirations crumble before your eyes and that your family is so heavily disgusted by you they will cut you off from your precious financial aid. I hope the engine in your Benz, that your parents gave you overheats, and you're left to wallow in self-pitty every morning on your long commute to your dead-end job, via public transit. I hope the very people you find inferior to you engage you in innocent conversation so you squeam with discomfort, you overly egotistical clump of cat turd. I hope your wife is demanding and useless in the kitchen so it's your duty to come home after your long, hard day at work and cook for the family. I also hope that the very supplies you have to cook with are second-hand and discount - and that the food is from the food bank. I hope everything you've ever dished out to me is returned with a hefty multiplication of 10. I wish deeply that your wife gains  a lot of weight from her thankless job of house wife and that it bothers you genuinely. I'd like you to say "Hey honey - would you like a gym membership", and for her to get terribly offended, and you're bed for the next month is the oh-so-uncomfortable couch/dinner booth in your recreation room that is your few feet of living space in the front of your trailer. I'd like this experience to damage your back immensely so you are unable to do any physical labour to enhance your home, and if you really want the change, you'll have to pay out the ass to the tradesmen you look down your nose at.

Enjoy your life, and I'll enjoy mine without you in it.
Nice knowing you,

Sierra xo.  

Damn, I should be so lucky
Even only 24 hours under your touch
You know I need you so much
I cannot wait to call you
And tell you that I landed somewhere
And hand you a square of the airport
And walk you through the maze of the map
That im gazing at
Gracefully unnamed and feeling guilty for the luck
And the look that you gave me
You make me somebody
Ain't nobody knows me

I need a pick me up. Exams are totally getting to me right now, and I need a new piece of ass (boyfriend). Well I don't need per say - but I'd like to cuddle. I just downloaded retard-o-tron video mixtape, and it looks so promising..

To do:

Science - review book + read over 50k sheets.
Music - practise pieces + sight reading.
Engrish - review book
French - fucking hefty ass review book.
            - practise for oral (exam).



beeeeewbz.

I feel so great this afternoon. The morning was a little shaky, but come second period and my aceing part 2 of my music exam, I was absolutely floating.

Why my day was so fucking great:

1. I consider today to be another crucial step in my moving on. Every few days, I realize something positive and it propels me forward. I realized that if he really were as great as I thought, he'd fight through this with me. Really, that should've been a clear indicator right off the bat. I mean - if you really love someone, you stick to it and see it through. No brainger, right?

2. It's oral exam day in French class, not for me of course - but for the 3 saps that chose to do their exam this week instead of next week. "We got way to carried away yesterday, and I gave you way to much time to think about your answers... so I'm going to have to keep it to a 10 minute time limit." 10 minutes my ass, Joe got half an hour, and by then we were anything but focused. You just cannot leave a group of gifted kids alone un-supervised. As a result, we had loud conversations about everything from squirting to Joe's gender confusion to speaking to dolphins, back to Joe's gender confusion and two moms.

3. I get grilled cheese + bacon for dinner.

4. I've pretty much completed all assignments that need to be handed in..

5. Ryan's a cutie.

6. I'm making a shitload of new friends.

7. I can now talk to dolphins.

Feeling down today, I had my head down and my music on during the morning commute to school via public transportation. A teacher from my school, who evidently takes the same bus as me, put a hand on my shoulder and said 'Good Morning', pleasantly. I remembered how odd I thought this man in general, and I remembered everyone elses negative impressions of him, and I felt bad. Here is that same person whom everyone assumes to be a 'student raper', comforting me - one of the 'everyone' that thought him to be loopy. I thought even deeper on this and realized that in general.. I need to lighten up. Stop being so judgemental, stop being so picky, and stop being such a bitch. Honestly, it isn't in the norm to show sympathy for a stranger - to act as some sort of positive aspect in their day no matter how little that impact is. And there are few people that would go the length to simply place a hand on a shoulder and say something friendly. I want to be that person that adds something positive to another person's day, because no one wants to feel alone.

"... I realized that by holding on to the memories, the trinkets, the past - I was inevitably holding onto the pain."


So we live, we learn, we love - and we learn a hell of a lot more after. I need to face the fact that my fear of being alone is irrational and needn't be a worry of mine. A believer and preacher of "there is someone for everyone", I should take my own advice. At times - it's so beyond comprehension that anyone could love me, want to be with me, love my flaws, want to stick with me, want to support me - want to have me. But it's thoughts like these that hold us back. I've come to a realization that I'm not the only one to have these fears, these feelings, these insecurities. In fact I'm one of millions of women that deal with these things daily. The media has raped the minds of women, especially young girls, into believing that the only way to feel as if one has self-worth is to be with a man. That to justifiy our existances, we must have that second factor. That our happiness depends on it. And that's simply just not it.

I awoke this morning, to an empty house. Somewhat confused I watched TV and waited for someone to come home to keep me company, then I remembered that my dad and sister are opening up the trailer, and my mom works till beyond dinner hours tonight.
Enlightened, I remembered the monstrous list of final ISU's I have due in the last week of school, which inevitably is  this week. 

I am now bitter, bored,  procrastinating and slightly depressed.  This weekend is going to be balls.