I'm learning how to live and love freely. I don't think I've been in a better place psychologically, in my life. I'm okay with not being in a relationship, I want to do things outside my comfort, I want to succeed, I want to tackle challenges, and I want to be happy and make others around me happy. I feel optimism, I feel energized, I feel hopeful. Life is ahead of me, and I'm just beginning to take it for what it's worth. I will let life take me along on the journey.

I'm abnormally tired tonight. I decided to go on the photography journey, and I snagged some nice shots - very amateur, but I don't sweat it. Baby steps. My fingers hurt, too much masturbating or something.

That is all.

      

I really want to get into photography.
I said 'crap' in my interview with Tim Hortons.
Price Chopper called to give me an interview.
I'm seeking a creative outlet.
Acoustic music speaks to my soul.
I want to sing and play more than ever.
I want to kickbox and do yoga.
Tomorrow, I would like to roam the town and take photos.
Deviantart, as cliche as it sounds - I'd like an account.
I want to wear my new dress.
I will smile at strangers.

:)

 

I had a pretty decent weekend up north. Pretty decent day today as well. But.. as for right now - I'm really craving love. I don't want him, I want someone that can and will love me. The support, the fun, the laughs, the memories... the love. I want to crawl into the arms of another, have my worries vanish with the sound of a low gentle voice; have an escape. It isn't that my life isn't going well now, because it is. I just really want that extra something.

I'm off to the trailer for the 'long' weekend. Whole family will be up, gutairs/bass will be out, drinks around. Should be a good time.

However, it's a sad shame Elvis couldn't have had his 'hey-day' in MY day. What a babe.

Short one today, really just waiting for my song to finish downloading. Uhmm.. let's write my day out in point form shall we?

1. woke up  & went driving!
2. tv
3. nap
4. out with Browns 1 & 2
5. Timmies with mother and her.. oh-so loud obnoxious friend.
6. computer starts to die.
7. Sherry entices me.
8. pre-sleep naked dance.

queensierra+       LIVE DAMNIT! says: bawhahaha queensierra+       LIVE DAMNIT! says: cock burn.      Sherry-Who among us is whole? He is the wiser half of my sundered soul.      says: =P      Sherry-Who among us is whole? He is the wiser half of my sundered soul.      says: pronounced coburn queensierra+       LIVE DAMNIT! says: pfffttt. queensierra+       LIVE DAMNIT! says: and Marvine Gaye is pronounced queensierra+       LIVE DAMNIT! says: marvin 'guya'

 

This is hard - it really is. It feels like I'm teaching myself how to live all over again. So easily loving and trusting I abandon previous commitments so easily and I bend over backwards to have this connection to another human being, to have him hold me and console me, support me. I believe that's what I miss, not the individual.

I went to my trailer this weekend up north, and all the while I thought of how much better things I was doing and experiencing would be so much better if he was there to do them with me. It makes me sick how emotionally dependant I was and still am on him, it's like weening a fucking cat off of its mothers tit. For lack of better example of course. I feel like a broken record for going over this shit time after time, but I'm just a ball of stress right now. I need to find something to get me out of the house, with my entire friends list about half an hour west - they're fairly remote. A job - something productive, something to keep my mind off of things. And of course, all the while I am thinking this - my subconscious is viewing it as an 'opportunity to meet a lover', rather then a job to better myself and raise funds for my future. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is it normal for people to be so dependant on the existence of another? I don't believe so.

I think tomorrow I'll relax, watch the TV shows I recorded, mess around with fruityloops, and work up the courage to drop off some resumes. As I typed that, my mind wandered to how my 'less than' supportive father says that I won't get a job because I've left it too late, my fears have held me back too long. But really, should that matter? I mean being an independent, a young woman - I shouldn't need positive affirmations all the time.

But the sad part is, I do. I need it. I need to know people don't view me as badly as I view myself.

I'm carrying on sarcastic conversations with friends right now, and I must be coming off as a total bitch. I think I'll cut this night short - leave the compy on so my movie will finish downloading, and wake up with a fresh positive attitude.

So, today was the last official school day before exams - and I was able to heal myself for today and dealing with Casey. To be honest, I thought he'd skip out on today and just stay the fuck home. He didn't.

Lunch rolled around and Trisha and I went to the library to study. The crew + Casey walks in.. great. Joe walks over to sit down with us.. and completely unexpectedly, Casey walks over. I refuse to acknolwedge him and he reaches out to touch my french textbook and pull it away, only I slammed my hand down and pulled it away, not even looking at him. I ignore his presence for the duration of his stay until he gets the 'picture' and leaves.

This.. took every ounce of energy from me. He's been such a jerk lately, and the last day - the last day I'll see him for probably a long time he's nice. I can't be treated like a rag doll, my subconscious knew it too, and I acted. I would have loved to slide him the book willingly and have him engage in conversation with me, I would have loved him to come to my locker like old times and converse before going home.. I'd love to have him back. But that's silly and self-destructive of me to think that way. I thought today that having this be the last day I'd have to see him would be relief. Instead, I ache remorselessly over what could have been.

'the fuck do I do?
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